Re-Discovering The Lost Art Of Conversation

It is the time of the year again, when fraught parents are desperately preparing children for entrance exams to the various secondary schools in the region. Hard work and expense are not spared in this vital undertaking, and children reap the benefits.

However, one fundamental aspect that is often overlooked in the quest for better and more education is the simple art of ordinary conversation.

Due to punishing schedules and relentless working hours, many parents try to provide the best they can for their children, by taking them to tutoring sessions and getting them to work through workbook after workbook. In some cases, this really is the best under the circumstances. However, if a child is not able to express him or herself, due to the fact that conversation and interaction with parents and other adults is kept to a functional and inevitable minimum, problems are inevitable.

A child, who is never asked to voice an opinion, argue a case (other than whether he or she is allowed on the iPad or Playstation), express interest, voice shock or curiosity, is not going to be able to use a broad or expressive vocabulary, or put into words nuances of sentiment or thought.

In order to be able to do that, a child has to have a good command of the language, concisely and cohesively put, coupled with a wide ranging vocabulary. Children nowadays are often lacking in these prerequisites; if that is the case, workbook work is not going to fill the gap.

 The skill of articulating ideas comes from practice – speaking, asking, discussing, arguing, analysing, copying and debating. Once a child can do those, the additional step of putting their ideas down on paper - whether handwritten or on a laptop – is a relatively small step forwards. If, however, a child has not got the refined vocabulary, the wealth of ideas, the understanding of the structure of verbal analysis and coherent expression, writing is going to prove to be a nearly impossible task. Spelling difficulties do not enter into this, and a learning difficulty, such as dyslexia, does not alter the need for this solid foundation. In fact it might prove an added incentive; many dyslexic children, due to their relative struggle in accessing the written word and in expressing themselves fluently through it, become incredibly articulate as a result.

Could the large numbers of reluctant writers emerging in schools nowadays be the result of our electronically preoccupied and verbally less active childrearing techniques?

Bearing this in mind, let us consider: how much conversation is there around the average 9–15 year-old these days - compared to 15 years ago?

The facts are that once a child has acquired a handheld device, parents have pretty well lost them. We have all experienced the “zombie” child who emerges out of an electronic haze, yanking an earphone out of an ear going “wha, wha, what?”

Nonetheless, in order to be able to use written language, all children have to be able to speak in an articulate, clear and well-worded manner. If you were to record the amount of time you actually interact in words with your children you may be horrified. Tragically, our daily interactions are minimal, and most of it utterly mundane relating to logistics and practicalities,  such as, “Have you got your book/homework sheet/hat/lunchbox/PE kit?”; “What time shall I pick you up?” etc.

It really is shocking. Even amongst themselves, children rarely speak these days – they send instagram pictures of food! How can this be changed- especially in the very small window of time children grant their doting parents.

There is no magic formula.

Try in any way you can to gently reduce electronically spent time in favour of family or face to face interaction time. Try restricting devices during meals, or for set hours of the day.

Encourage a wide range of reading. Do buy books, better still regularly visit bookshops allowing them to browse and choose a book.

Offer to read to your child. They are not too old at any age. Read out articles from the paper, quote people, discuss and debate. Watch the news and talk about it. 10 year-olds are very aware these days. Death and gore, as contained in news reports, will shock them much less than you think.

Encourage the following of the news or the reading of a more challenging daily newspaper.

Watch more discerning and thought provoking movies together – spend a few moments debating, discussing them and analysing them.

Listen to audio versions of books/pod casts in the car

Try to model more refined, varied language yourself.

If you have visiting relatives, guide them into interaction with your children. Granny and Grandpa can be extensively quizzed about childhood memories – everyone benefits from this.

Encourage trying to find synonyms (similar meaning)/antonyms (opposite meaning) for words. Do a timed challenge – find as many as you can in 2 minutes.

Above all talk, discuss, question, analyse, put forward controversial ideas to provoke a debate, bring up history, politics, emotions etc.

Encourage on-line quizzes or general knowledge competitions, even within the family. That is a great way to spend a 20-30 minute spell.

You may assume that none of this is an issue for “Johnny” because he is very articulate and talks a lot.

But a child who jabbers away in a verbal avalanche is not necessarily making much sense or being really expressive. Stream of consciousness has its place in literature, but the endless strings of sentences children unload on hapless adults is not necessarily the sign of good verbal skills. It may actually be the opposite – a child’s repeated attempt to make his or her point because they are unsure that it was made well enough the first time. Prompt such a child with questions. Channel their thoughts, so they do not go off on tangents. Encourage concise expression and precise vocabulary. If they say things like, “you know what I mean ...,” insist that you do not. Make them put words to their thoughts. Avoid clichés, but insist on detailed description; your child will be much closer to being a great writer than with endless workbooks!

Remember, writing is communicating. If they cannot communicate efficiently and articulately orally, they will never be able to do it in writing.

If you are ambitious for your child, make a conscious effort to engage him or her in real, extended, in-depth conversations. You will all reap the benefit; it may even improve your relationship and strengthen family bonds as well!

Agnes Holly, BA English and German; MA Comparative Literature; Hornsby Dipl Special Educational Needs. Agnes has more than 25 years' teaching experience in various roles ranging from university to nursery teaching, in addition to on-going work bringing up 5 children